Suicide
by Paragon Dragon
Summary: Tony thinks of committing suicide, unless... Read and find out. It's Tibbs slash with an S&M theme. Nothing too graphic or explicit though, but if that's not your thing, don't read.
1. A new keeper

I'm sitting on the edge of the roof, looking down on the street far below. The cold wind is ruffling my hair and the snow that is slowly falling comes to rest on my shoulders. My fingers are stiff. I can hardly feel them. But at the same time, they hurt so bad that I can hardly stand it. I don't care. In my opinion, I deserve the pain. I welcome the pain. It tells me that I am not dead yet.

That's why I am here.

For the cold.

For the pain.

For death.

My death.

My breath comes out as smoke every time I let it out. For some reason it makes me crave for a cigarette. I don't smoke. I just want a cigarette.

I look up at the dark night sky and watch the snowflakes fall from what looks like pitch black nothing. I can see no clouds. I can see no stars. All I see is that pitch black nothing and the snowflakes that are lit up by the lights of the city.

From somewhere nearby I can hear gunfire, followed by a painful scream. Another life is ending tonight. I know I should care. It's my job to care of such things. But my heart is like ice. No help will come from me. I leave that to someone else.

I take out my knife and run my finger over the blade. I feel the sharp edge against my skin. It tickles. How easy wouldn't it be to just let it slip over my wrists, let it slice my skin and let the blood come forth. It will be a slow death, but not painful enough. I want to feel pain when I die. I have already made up my mind about that. I have to suffer. I _need _to suffer. The others don't understand that. When they find out about what I have done, they'll hate me. And hewill hate me the most. He will see me as a coward. A coward is worth nothing in his eyes. That's how I want it. I don't want them to remember me at all. I don't deserve that. I deserve to be forgotten.

Maybe I can jump. Just lean forward until I fall. But no. That kind of death would be too swift for my liking. My fall will end by me hitting the ground. I will die immediately. Jumping is not an option.

I regret that I left my gun inside. I could have used it somehow. Maybe shoot myself where the shots will cause damage – and pain – but are only lethal when left unattended, or not lethal at all. Like the knees. A shot in my knees wouldn't kill me. It would just bring me pain. And I wouldn't be able to walk again. But I would never _need _to walk again, now would I?

I change my grip on the knife so that the tip is pointing down. I press it to the back of my hand and make a slow cut. I don't wince. I don't make a sound All I want is to drop the knife, but I force myself to continue until his name is carved into my skin. The blood that now covers my hand feels warm. But only for a second.

The sharp pain is slowly fading away. I play with the thought of keep carving until my entire body is covered with cuts. That would hurt. But that means I have to remove my clothes, and then my body would go numb eventually, either from the cold or from the lost of blood. I would go weak long before I took my last breath. I want to feel pain to the end.

I sheath my knife again and then I feel the lighter in my pocket. I pull it out and weigh it in my hand.It's made of metal, so it's heavy. I brush my thumb over the surface and feel the engraved words.

_Don't look back_

It makes me smile for some reason. I remember when he gave it to me. He gave a lighter to all of us, even though none of us smoke. He said that it was good to have a lighter, because you may need one someday when you least expect it. Mine was the only one with an engraving. And that is exactly what I'll do. I won't look back.

With a flick of my wrist, the lid opens. I light it and watch the flame dance in the wind. I put my finger into it and clench my jaw as it burns my skin. I pull my finger out again and start to laugh.

Fire.

Fire will make it hurt to the end. I put my hand over the flame and smile as it licks me. The smell of burning flesh fills my nose. It hurts like hell!

I wonder if my jacket will burn easily, but it would be better if it didn't. It will make my death very drawn out. I want that.

I hear the door to the roof open and close. I hear crunching footsteps approaching me. I curse under my breath and close the lighter. By the sound of the footsteps I know it's him. What is he doing up here? How could he possibly know?

"DiNozzo!"

I smile when I hear the tone in his voice. He's angry. It turns me on. It has always turned me on. Sometimes it surprises me that he hasn't noticed that yet. But then again, I have always been good at hiding things.

"You better get down again, Boss", I tell him. "This doesn't concern you."

Silent hits me like a hammer. Then I feel the hard slap to the back of my head. I gasp, both with arousal and shock. He has never hit me that hard before.

"Stand up!" he tells me with a low growl. I smile again but do as he says. I slowly turn around and look him right in the eyes, my emotions on full display. I can see the shock in his eyes and he takes a step back. Then he narrow his eyes and steps into my personal space. He is so close that I can smell the coffee on his breath. His eyes are on fire. Those amazingly blue eyes that reminds me of ice.

"What the hell do you think you are doing, DiNozzo?" he asks me.

"Something I should've done years ago", I reply, steadily returning his fierce gaze. I let him know that he can't scare me any more. I have actually never been afraid of him, but it has amused me many times to make him think so. And it never cost me anything.

"So you are ending your life?" he asks and I can hear the confusion in his voice. "Just like that?"

"Oh no", I say with a smile. "Not just like that, Boss. I will make it slow. Very slow."

His eyes get wide and he steps back again. I lift the lighter, flick it open and light it once more. I smile at him as I put my hand over the flame, letting it play with my fingers.

"Fire is a beautiful creature", I say. "Don't you think so, Boss? It can never be tamed. And still, you can make it do whatever you want."

I can see the moment the smell of burnt flesh reaches him. He tries to strike out and take the lighter from me, but I am too fast for him and avoid him easily. The look of miscalculation he gives me is almost comical. It makes me chuckle.

"You are mad", he states and I can hear that he is disgusted with me.

"Mad?" I ask him and close the lighter again. "Yes, maybe I am. But who isn't? Is there really one person in this world who is completely sane?"

"A sane person wouldn't end his life for no reason at all."

"Oh, you think I have no reason to do this? I want to feel pain, Boss. I need pain. Sweet, outdrawn pain. I want to scream to the end."

"But why, Tony? Do you wanna go to Hell? Is that what this is all about?"

I chuckle again. "Hell? No, Boss. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. I never have."

I walk up to him and lock eyes with him, lean closer until no more than an inch between our faces.

"I want someone to claim me, _Boss_", I whisper. "I want someone who has the guts to give me what I need. I haven't found that person yet. I will never find that person. That is something I can't live with."

I smile when he he realize the meaning of what I just said. Then his eyes narrows again and the next moment I can feel his hand clench my balls. Hard. The sudden pain makes me grit my teeth, but I hold my ground and force myself not to make a sound.

"You want a Keeper, DiNozzo?" he growls into my ear. I didn't expect this. The low tone makes me hard. I know he feels it when he squeezes even tighter.

"Yes, Boss", I reply huskily with a groan. Obediently.

"Good boy."

I shiver, and it is not from the cold. I stare at him in surprise. I never thought of him as this kind of Keeper. A keeper, yes, but not the kind I need so badly.

He release my balls and stare me down. I know what is expected of me so I straighten my back and look away, waiting for him to tell me what to do. I feel him walk around me. Feel him put a hand on my ass and squeeze. I grit my teeth and have to force myself not to move. I know now that he has the guts to give me what I want. He wont chicken out on me as so many has before. I can hardly wait.

He stops in front of me and pull out something from his pocket. Something thin that shimmers like metal. The next second I cringe when the small chain touch the skin of my neck. A silent i_click/i _reaches my ears as the ends are locked together. It's short. A millimeter shorter and the chain would've choked me.

My breathing is fast now. And so is his. This arouses him just as much as it arouses me. He knows I will do whatever he tells me to do. Always. You don't disobey your Keeper.

"Are you sure you want this, DiNozzo?" he asks me then.

I frown. He should have asked that before he clasped the chain around my neck. There is no turning back now. And that's what I tell him.

"Good boy", purrs with a smile. "You will love what I have in mind for you. Won't you, boy?"

"Yes, Boss."

"Good. Now heel."

He turns his back against me and walks away, not looking if I follow him or not. He doesn't have to. I walk by his heels as the obedient pet I am. I feel my world settle around me. I still crave to die, but now by my own hands. Not anymore. He knows it and that amuses him.

He is my master now.

He will never let me go.


	2. Pain

He opens the door and beckons me to go inside. I comply and stop a few steps inside the hall, silently waiting for his next command. I stare into the wall, but in the corner of my eye I can see him watching me. I stand tall, my back straight and my head held high, eyes locked on the wall. I am not really what you can call submissive. I never have been. I am always obedient to my Keeper, yes, but I do _not _cower. He knows that and he respects it. And I respect him for that in return.

A low but sharp whistle catches my attention and I turn my head to look at him. A little smile is playing on his lips and I can see in his eyes that he is already satisfied with me. That is something completely new. None of my previous Keepers were ever satisfied with me immediately. Some of them were never satisfied with me at all. They didn't like my silent, complying demeanor. They didn't like the idea that I never put up a fight about anything they wanted me to do. That much power scared them, and in the end, all of them gave me up. He, on the other hand, will never be scared. I know he is the one I have been looking for for all these years. He is the one who will finally give me what my soul has been craving for.

Pain.

He walks over to me and stand so close that I can feel his warm breath against my face. He leans in until his lips almost brush my ear and an involuntary shiver runs down my spine, making me tremble. I swallow hard, feeling the chain pressing against my throat for a second. I have to force myself not to move and it has never been this hard before. I am even eager to know what he has in plan for me.

"Take off your coat and shoes, DiNozzo", he whispers into my ear. "Then go and sit on the couch. I'll be with you in a minute."

"Yes, Boss", I say meekly and he gives me a smile.

"Good boy."

He leaves me alone and I do as I have been told. The shoes go off rather quickly but I am more careful when I remove my coat. My damaged left hand is throbbing and every time the fabric brushes against my palm I cringe. Finally I can put my coat on a hanger and go to the living room. I take a seat on the couch, on the edge of it, not wanting to make myself comfortable. It doesn't take long before he comes to me again, now holding a big plastic bowl filled with snow. He sit down in front of me, on the coffee table, and places the bowl securely between his knees. I watch as he pick out some bandages and other items from his pockets and puts them beside him on the table. My eyes narrow as I realize that he is going to tend to my damaged hand, and I have to restrain myself from speaking up. I don't want him to tend to my hand. I want to keep feeling the throbbing pain, but I do not dare to tell him that.

You don't tell your Keeper what he can or can't do.

Suddenly he grabs my wrist and lifts up my damaged hand. The back is covered in dry blood and the palm and fingers are full of blisters where the skin isn't burnt or sooty. He smirks at me before he presses a finger to my hand. The sudden outburst of pain makes me gasp sharply through gritted teeth and I flinch, making him tighten his grip around my wrist so I won't pull it out of his grasp. Utterly slowly he trails my hand, making me pant with the effort of holding still. It feels like he has put the lighter to my hand again. Oh, how I love it!

When he finally releases me I am bathing in sweat and my whole body is shaking uncontrollably. I even think I came once, but I am not sure. He runs a soothing hand through my damp hair and then he puts my damaged hand into the bowl of snow.

"You have been very good", he tells me as he washes my hand with the ice-cold water from the melting snow. I sigh with relief as the pain subsides and I let myself relax. I can't deny that it feels good.

I keep my eyes at his hands as they surprisingly gently rubs my hand free from blood. The water is turning red and soon my self-inflicted cuts are clearly visible. I see him frown as he reads his own name on the back of my hand. The cuts aren't deep and they don't need stitching, but they will still probably leave scars. For the rest of my life I might have his name engraved in my skin. I can see the realization of it hit him as he seeks my eyes. I can see a question form inside him, but I beg him not to utter it with a pleading look. I know that I cross the line by doing so, but I can't tell him why I carved his name into my skin. I can hardly even explain it to myself. It just seemed so right when I did it and I couldn't stop myself once the knife penetrated my skin. I had to finish what I started and I can only hope that he will understand that.

His eyes turn to steel and he straightens his back. The next second I can feel his hand hit the back of my head, making it cringe forward. The slap is harder then the ones he uses to give me, but I, on the other hand, accept it without a comment. He has every right to slap me. He is my Keeper. By clasping the chain around my neck he told me that I don't belong to myself anymore. My body, mind and soul belongs to him now. He can do whatever he wants with me.

He takes my hand out of the melting water and carefully wipes it with a clean, soft towel. Then he puts a cooling salve on my blisters before wrapping my hand in gauze and bandages. I know I should go see a doctor, but not tonight. My hand is the least of my concern right now. I'll let Ducky take a look at it in the morning. He is the only doctor I trust, anyway.

He stands up and beckons me to do the same. We walk over to a more open part of the room and I feel my heart rate speed up a bit, my breathing getting deeper and a feeling of expectation wells up inside me. I know this is it. What he did with my hand was just a teaser, a delicious little teaser, but I can't help feeling a little nervous. The first time with a new Keeper always makes me nervous, because I never know what they have in mind for me.

I can still remember my first Keeper. She was the one who taught me about the pleasures of pain. Our first night, she nearly even killed me. I have never screamed so loud, or so much, in my entire life. I will never forget the pain. She broke me that night, shattered my mind and soul to tiny little pieces, and I have never managed to put them back together again. She installed the need for more pain in me and for that I am forever grateful.

He is circling me once more, letting his eyes wander over my body. I clench my fists and my jaws, hoping against hope that he doesn't see how I tremble with excitement. He stops behind me, so close that his hot breath tickles my neck. Me entire body is screaming for him to begin but I can feel that he is enjoying making me wait.

It feels like an eternity has passed before he walks around me to stand in front of me. He looks me straight in the eyes before he grabs me by my throat and pulls me closer. His grip is so tight that I can hardly breathe and the chain is pinching my skin. I try to swallow, but he doesn't allow me. I look into his eyes and I can see his determination. He i_wants/i _to give me pain. He i_wants/i _me to suffer. He wants it because I want it, and I know that he will put his entire soul into it.

He will not let me down.

"Are you ready, _Tony" _he asks huskily, looking deep into my eyes. His grip is making it impossible for me to speak, so I just nod. He lets go of me, finally letting me suck some much needed air down my lungs, and takes a step back. I take a deep, calming breath and stand tall again. I am more than ready. This is what I have been waiting for for so long. And I am glad that he is the one who will give it to me.

"Take off your clothes", he tells me and turns around to walk away. "I'll be back soon."

I am alone before I get a chance to reply. Slowly I do as I am told, neatly folding each garment and put them on the couch. When he returns I am back at the same spot where he left me, completely naked. Nothing is between him and my bare skin. Nothing except the chain and the bandages. I am ready.

He walks over to me and I can see him holding a piece of cloth between his hands. A blindfold. He locks eyes with me beckons me to kneel. I sink down to the floor and he walks around me to stand behind me. Surprisingly gently he ties the blindfold around my eyes, making sure that I can't see a thing through it. Then he bends down and puts his mouth against my ear.

"Do not move", he growls slowly. "Do not make a sound. Have I made myself clear?"

I try to speak but I can't make the words pass my lips. He slaps me hard again before grabbing my hair and yanks my head backwards.

"I said, have I made myself clear?" he repeats, his steel voice sending shivers down my spine once more.

"Yes, Boss!" I manage to say and he lets go of me, giving me such a hard shove that I almost topple over.

I hear him move around but I can't figure out what he is doing. I am all on edge, anxiously waiting for him to strike, but nothing happens. Soon everything is quiet around me. Has he left me alone? I want to call out to him, but that would mean disobeying his direct command, and I dare not do that. My heart is racing in my chest, my breaths are shaky as I almost hyperventilate. I swallow hard and press my hands to my thighs, forcing myself to be still. He can't have walked out on me. He can't be that cruel. He knows that I need this. By clasping the chain around my neck, he more or less promised me that he would give me what I need. He can't walk out on me.

Then my world explodes around me as a forceful blow to my sacrum fills my entire being with such a white-hot pain that I stop breathing for a moment. It feels like my spine is being torn into little pieces and stars are dancing before my eyes.

A smile spreads across my face as the pain subsides. I gasp for breath and I am grateful that he allows me to recover from the shock. Not many Keepers would do that. Oh, this is going to be a long night!


	3. Relief

It doesn't take long before I lose track of time. Lose my sense of... everything. All that exists for me is the pain. The excruciating, never ending pain. It's all I can think of. It's all I can feel. It devours my soul completely, and I don't want it to end. I want this to continue forever.

My entire body is shaking, and there's nothing I can do to make it stop. I have almost no control over myself my anymore. I can stop my limbs from moving, but I can't stop the tremors. All I can focus on is to hold back the scream that wants to force its way out of my mouth. He said I couldn't make a single sound, and I don't want to find out what he might do if I so much as whimper. I don't care if he increases the pain. I don't mind if he kills me. No, I am scared of the thought that me might stop.

But I manage to be perfectly quiet, and he doesn't stop. But he does increase the pain a little. I wrap it around me, savor it, let it fill me to the brim and push me over the edge. Every muscle in my body clenches when white-hot pleasure suddenly rages through me. I stop breathing and it feels like my soul is drifting out of my body. I feel so light! Pain and pleasure surrounds me completely. I feel my eyes roll back into my head as my mind is being ripped to shreds, trashed into tiny little peaces that I don't think I'll be able to put together again. Then another wave of pain and pleasure hits me with full force and I am being washed away into oblivion.

When I come to my senses again, I can feel him bathe my face and neck with a cold, damp cloth. I realize that I have somehow managed to stay on my knees and smile with relief. I am panting heavily and my tremors are worse than before. I am so tired. So utterly tired. I want nothing more than just lie down and fall asleep, but I force myself to stay upright until he tells me otherwise.

Tears are running freely down my cheeks and I do nothing to stop them. I just let them fall. I want to ask him why he has stopped, but I don't dare to. I didn't want him to stop. I want him to continue. Why has he stopped?

I feel how he pours water over my head and wince when the water wash over some sore spots on my chest and back. I cringe a little when he starts to run a soothing hand through my wet hair and force myself to relax. I can't deny how good it feels as the water is cooling my heated skin. My breath gets slower, deeper, and also my heart beats slow down. I understand now that he hasn't stopped. Not really. He has just taken a break. Just a little break. Then he will continue. I so want him to continue.

"You have been very good, Tony", he tells me as he carefully dabs my back whit the damp cloth. "There is only a few things more I want to do to you and then you can rest. That sounds good?"

I nod mutely, not trusting my own voice. I wait for him to punish me for not answering him verbally, but he doesn't and for that I am grateful. I don't think I would've been able to.

"And, Tony", he continues with a low voice, "now you can scream as much as you want."

I feel my eyes widen and I take a deep, shivering breath. Somehow I know that what he is about to do will be more painful than anything he has done up to this point. I listen intently for any clues on what it is he will do, but again he is so quiet that I almost start to think that he has actually left me this time.

The next second, something extremely hot is being pressed against my back. It is impossible for me to hold back the scream that forces itself out of my lungs. I throw my head back and just let it come. The pain is worse than anything I have ever experienced before. I scream so much that my voice get hoarse withing seconds. I hear my skin fry as the object is being pressed against me again and again. I want to beg him to stop, but I don't. I can't.

You don't beg your Keeper.

When he starts to trail the object across my back I reach the line for how much I can take. I collapse on the floor and curl up into a tight ball, hugging my knees to my chest. I cry as I wait for the punishment I know must come. I cringe a little when I feel his fingers at my neck, but he is just unclasping the chain and removes it. Then he puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it reassuringly, murmuring soft, comforting words into my ear.

"You can rest now", he whispers and removes the blindfold as well. "You deserve it."

I try to give him some kind of response, but I have no strength left at all. I close my eyes and with a last, shivering breath, I let myself give in to the warm, secure darkness that suddenly wells up inside me.

When I open my eyes I find that I'm lying under the covers in a soft bed. For some reason I'm lying on my stomach, which I hardly ever do, since I prefer to lie on my back or my side when I sleep. I close my eyes again and take a deep breath. My whole body is sore and throbbing and it hurts when I try to move, but it is a good sort of pain. It tells me that my body is recovering, that I will be just fine.

With gritted teeth I roll over on my side and gingerly push myself up until I sit on the edge of the bed. I turn on the light on the nightstand and look down. I notice that most if my body is covered in black and blue bruises, mixed with long, red cuts and minor wounds. Only my forearms, neck and face were left untouched. Some of the wounds look rather ghastly and I know that I should go and see a doctor, but I have no idea what to say about how I got such injuries. I can't tell the truth, because that would make people think I've gone mental and it would probably send Gibbs straight to jail. It doesn't matter how you twist and turn this, it would still count as abuse, or even torture. There's no way I'm going to Bethesda, so that only leaves Ducky. Hopefully I can convince him not to ask.

I stand up on shaky legs and have to steady myself against the wall so I don't fall to the floor. For a second I feel a little lightheaded and the room starts to spin, so I close my eyes and wait for the dizziness to pass. The moment I feel steady again, I open my eyes and walk out to the bathroom. I take a look at myself in the mirror and is surprised by how calm and placid I look. But then again, I _feel _rather calm and placid. All my worries are gone, washed away by the pain, and it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. In a way I guess it has. The pain helped me forget all my troubles. It always does. That's one reason I like it so much. I always feel a lot better the next day.

I turn around to take a look on my back and my eyes go wide in shock when I see that a word has been burnt into my flesh. Thirteen red lines form the word **MINE** across my back, twelve for the word itself and one for an underline. I just stare at the word for a while, and then a big smile spreads across my face. Gibbs will keep me forever. I don't have to look for another Keeper ever again. It feels good to have that confirmed once and for all.

"Tony?"

I turn around and smile when I see my boss standing in the doorway. He returns my smile and I can see that a huge weight has been taken off even his shoulders as well. I realize then that he probably needed this just as much as I did.

"How are you feeling?" he asks and walk over to me.

"Sore", I admit. "But other than that, I feel great. You?"

"I'm fine", he says. Then he looks at my back through the mirror.

"Do you mean it?" I ask. I can't help it. I guess I have to know.

"Yeah, I mean it", he says gravely and looks straight into my eyes. "I'm all in on this, Tony, to one hundred percent. I won't let you down. I promise."

"I know, Boss", I say and smile at him. "You got my six, right?"

He returns my smile and puts a hand on my shoulder. "I do, DiNozzo. I do."

Then he puts a hand in his pocket and pulls out something small and shiny. He opens his hand, palm up, and I can see the chain clearly for the first time. It's made of small silver rings and is actually kind of beautiful, even though it has _collar_ written all over it. I look up at him with a frown and he returns my look before he reaches out and puts the chain in my hand.

"Boss?" I ask, not sure of what to say.

"I want you to hold on to this, DiNozzo", he tells me firmly. "Whenever you feel you need me as a Keeper, you just give it back to me. I'll always be there for you."

I swallow hard a couple of times before I trust my voice enough to speak.

"Thanks, Boss", I say and close my hand. "But what if..."

He slaps me before I finish the sentence and grabs my chin in his hand, forcing me to look at him.

"No 'what ifs', DiNozzo."

I swallow hard again and nod that I understand.

"Gotcha, Boss", I add, just to be sure.

"Good. Now get back to bed. I'll send Ducky to take a look at you later."

"But..." I begin, but he interrupts me with another head slap.

"No 'buts' either", he says with a dark scowl. "You're not going to work today, and I'm not sending you home before you've got those wounds looked after. Have I made myself clear?"

"Chrystal, Boss", I reply and have to restrain myself from smirking at him. I manage to keep my features under control and he leaves me with a short grunt.

I go back to the guest room and get into bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow I realize how tired I still am. I put the chain on the nightstand, pull the covers over me again and after I have turned the light off, I let myself drift off to sleep.

Everything has turned out just fine.


End file.
